Telemachus and Ulysses

Telemachus and Ulysses,
Said to Zeus, "how's yer knees?",
And in reply, said Zeus to them,
"I'll tell you after the news at ten."
While Pallas Athene,
drank mead and ate weenies,
on the shore by the silvery sea.

And Harrys and Emilys,
Feed sea anenomies,
on a diet of cod,
and semi-skimmed milk.
(And stuff of that ilk)
While their brothers Jeremy,
Sing to the enemy,
About migranous nights,
In the Catalan hills.
And they see, yes they see,
What it is like to be,
A tiny wee sausage,
or a trump'ter's mute.

And once upon a time,
The news at ten began at nine,
Now I can clearly see,
What you have always meant to me.

I dance to the beat of a different drum,
From those who sit in the auditorium,
And talk of mice and rats and fish,
And the Argos catalogue, soaking in a dish,
With Lillian Gish.

Time, the tides, and utter depravity,
Lots of old ladies called Peter De Savary,
Tumbling here, wandering there,
Wandering just about everywhere!
Yes! a runcible spoon's an incredible thing,
It lives in the kitchen, it never will sing,
Of the time when it was an elephant boy!
With a Howdah! and a Heydah! and a hey nonny nonny nonny no,
Of joy!

Oranges and melons, I live in Saint Helens,
Hey there, you're thick,
And you look like a prick.
Now I am ending,
My elegant song,
And drifting off into the night.

Telemachus and Ulysses
Retired to France to dine on bees,
And gooseberry-flavoured pieces of string
That was their thing.
Oh! That was their thing.



© Colin Johnson